My Health

It’s been two and a half years now since I have been determined to find out what ails me.

Two and a half years.

Since then I've had numerous complications and issues that have baffled specialists, so much that I've seen handfuls of them. I’ve had countless tests; ECHO’s ECG‘s, EMG‘s, X-rays, blood tests, and swabs. I’ve been to numerous clinics having even more tests amongst many other things that I shant bore you with.

And nothing, let me repeat that NOTHING has been determined. And nothing has helped.Thankfully, I have the wonderful support of my husband and kids who are genuinely concerned with what’s happening. And to be honest it’s quite frustrating when there doesn’t seem to be any answers. Trying to explain my un-wellness, to others has been disheartening. Without an official diagnosis from a doctor, people tend to think my concerns are all in my head. Are you kidding me? You think I am making this crap up? You think I really want to be struggling with all these complications?

So, when having a conversation with one of those people, I mentally float off, away from my body entering the mental space where I reason emotions with logic, and have a conversation with myself. I know where this is going. We have tried. I have tried. The medical system has tried. I knew what was coming down the pipe and even though I am tired of trying to explain myself to those people, I still do.

I think it’s time to say to myself, "It's time to accept the inevitable. To stop looking for answers that are not to be found. To accept my lot in life.”

I’m frustrated and overwhelmed.

But want to be a walking example that He loves His perfect creations in spite of their past.

I want to have a Quality of life.

Hmmm. What does that exactly mean?  My quality of life tends to evolve around whether my body chooses to work with or against me. The last few years have proven to be more of the latter. This isn't living life. This is a constant state of worry, fear, discomfort, frustration and pain. This is me holding onto something for the sake of....what, exactly? Fear of the unknown? I'm not sure.

It’s time to accept it and allow myself the freedom that even though this might not be what I had in mind at this stage of my life - it’s HIS and I will be ok. Learning to not only know my limitations but to accept them.

After I made that decision a gentle peace started to waft over me and I knew this was the right decision. Eventually, I’ll tell a few of my closest friends. Hoping that no one will laugh out loud. That no one will scoff or roll their eyes or patronize me.

Blessings